Throughout my life I have been the recipient of others’ kind deeds. When I or someone in my family was sick or walking through something challenging, family, friends, and neighbors stepped up to help in all sorts of ways. Meals, breads, and treats would arrive with notes letting us we were being thought of. Rides to appointments were offered when we couldn’t drive ourselves. Or people would come to visit, checking in making sure we knew they were there if we needed anything. My family and I did the same thing for others in their time of need. I always considered it a thoughtful thing to do, to help someone in need. Back then, I knew nothing about the science of the feelings of happiness can get from helping others, that hit of dopamine that physically makes you feel good when you do something good for others, that feeling of joy you feel when you’ve done a good deed. In an article called The Science of Kindness, Dr. Waguih IsHak, a professor and clinical chief of psychiatry at Cedars-Sinai and a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA’s David Geffen School of Medicine, explains the “helper’s high” – when random acts of kindness release dopamine and “give us that feeling of euphoria.” Oxytocin, called the “love hormone” since it’s released when we’re intimate, may also increase compassion “towards one’s family and the groups one identifies with,” according to professor of psychiatry Richard Davidson as told by Arianna Huffington in her book, Thrive. Serotonin, a neurotransmitter impacting mood and sleep as well as other important body functions, is also elevated when we are kind towards others.
I also knew nothing about caregiver stress, burnout, or compassion fatigue. I was blissfully unaware of how doing too much for others, for too long and without a break, support, or resources for yourself, can deplete your energy. I didn’t know that exhaustion and stress, especially when prolonged, can change your thinking about acts of kindness, perhaps reframing them from, “Wow, I did something nice for someone and feel really good about it.” to “Everyone is so needy! There’s just no end to the needs. I’m sick of this.” When you reach this point in your thinking, your ability and desire to help others has been compromised. And it’s here that you may realize that you have put your needs on hold and have stopped tending to them.
Compassion – It’s Good for You and Good for Others
Merriam Webster defines compassion as “Sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” Compassion moves sympathy towards action. Taking action to help others feels good. It can also take you out of or away from ruminating on your own circumstances – just for a bit. It can help you remember that others are hurting too. In fact, we all hurt at various times. Behaving and responding compassionately is good for others and it’s good for us too.
How has compassion shown up during Joe’s health journey? If you’ve read Our Story you know how so many people stepped up and showed up for us big time. Their acts of kindness helped us when we could only focus on the next step before us. Everything else that was a lesser priority, which was most everything, was dropped. Friends who worked in medicine or had family that did, shared contacts and information. A colleague of Joe’s set up a crowdfunding for his prosthetic leg that many people contributed to. Even two strangers contributed! When I reached out to thank them, one of them told me she heard about our situation and felt it was a good cause for her to contribute. I was in awe that a complete stranger would feel compelled to help us. Of course, strangers helping strangers is nothing new. Many people donate to causes close to their hearts without knowing the end recipient. And in times of disaster, there are many good Samaritans doing good deeds. But being the recipient myself, I was truly moved by these compassionate acts.
When you walk through something challenging, it’s not uncommon to become more compassionate yourself. You become more aware of other’s suffering. This has been especially true for us towards those who have disabilities. We see things differently now. We see and know the challenges of navigating sidewalks, parking lots, restaurants, and venues for events for those with mobility issues. We know what those who have prosthetics deal with regularly. We’ve become very involved with the Challenged Athletes Foundation (CAF), an organization that began with compassion. (Check out the story of how they began here.) Not only is Joe a challenged athlete who participates in their clinics and events, but we also volunteer at their events. This year Joe even coordinated a CAF event at a University of San Diego baseball game to raise awareness of CAF and its mission to transform the lives of those with disabilities through sport. We also have received grants through CAF for YMCA memberships and an adaptive bike for Joe. But by far, the biggest perk we’ve received from being involved with CAF is the community we’ve joined. We’re part of something bigger, so much bigger than Joe’s prosthetic leg and bigger than ourselves. The people we’ve met, and the shared stories of what brought us to CAF in the first place connects us and binds us into a community that cares about one another. That’s a great place to be especially when you already feel isolated from what you’ve walked through. CAF destroys that feeling of isolation, builds confidence in challenged athletes, and gives their families and friends a place to celebrate their loved ones. And it all began with compassion.
How to Become More Compassionate
How does one become more compassionate? Well, Dr. Amit Sood, a leader on the topic of resilience, provides steps for practicing compassion. He has studied the topic of resilience for years while at the Mayo Clinic, and developed and founded the Resilient Option’s and the SMART (Stress Management and Resiliency Training) course. He’s written many books related to reducing stress and increasing happiness in your life. Chapter 14 of his book, The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress Free Living, is titled “How to Practice Compassion,” and in that chapter Dr. Sood outlines four steps to practicing compassion.
- Recognize suffering.
Growing older, seeing more of life and what we and others go through allows us to recognize suffering when we see it. - Validate suffering.
Dr. Sood advises, “Avoid negatively judging someone’s pain. Take it at face value – both its presence and severity.” The need to validate suffering, either ours or others, is a big deal. We humans love to judge and solve others’ problems. We think we know what others are going through and have solutions. Even if your intention is good, I suggest pausing before sharing solutions. Often people are not looking for others to solve their problems, but rather want to feel listened to, heard, and validated. This happened to us a lot during Joe’s health journey. Helpful, caring people told us what we needed to do to resolve his knee pain. What we really wanted was for our suffering to be validated. Sometimes you might really have a great solution, but honestly, most people want to be listened to. And listening, accepting what is being said, may be the most compassionate thing to do. - Set an intention.
I love this, “set an intention to decrease suffering.” Are you like me where you have many thoughts on how to help others yet only some translate into action? Set your mind to take one realistic, perhaps small compassionate act. - Take action.
Now it’s time to act. Commit to following through with the act of compassion you chose. When and how will you take the steps to do it? Be specific here or it may remain an intention forever.
I’m sure you’re convinced of the benefits of behaving kindly and compassionately and will leave you with these wise words from the Dalai Lama, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
Be well,Christine
