Self-Compassion

In his book, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness, Dr. Rick Hanson’s chapter on compassion begins with a plea to be compassionate to yourself and the benefits of doing so. Until I’d read this, I hadn’t considered what it meant to be kind and compassionate to myself or even how to go about it. Like many, I focused outwardly on helping others. I think it’s quite common to do so. In fact, sometimes we take helping others so far, we neglect our own needs. This is especially true of caregivers. There’s a reason we’re told to put on our oxygen masks before helping others, and not only when we’re flying. If we don’t have the breath to take care of ourselves, we can’t help anyone else. We may know this intellectually, yet still find it hard to practice.

Self-Compassion Defined

What exactly is self-compassion? According to self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristen Neff, self-compassion means, “giving yourself the same compassion you’d naturally show a friend when you are struggling or feeling badly about yourself. It means being supportive when you’re facing a life challenge, feel inadequate, or make a mistake.” It means asking yourself, “How can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?”

So, how often do you ask yourself that question? Have you ever asked yourself that question? I’m not surprised if your answers are never and no! Self-compassion is not something we’ve been taught to do. Yet, we all struggle and feel badly at times. Sometimes we berate ourselves for mistakes we’ve made. We can be quite hard on ourselves, saying things we’d never say to a friend. Sometimes we may jump into fixing or solving mode, doing anything to feel less bad. After all, taking action feels good but may not address the emotions we’re feeling. In doing both these things, we miss the opportunity to practice self-compassion.

Strengthen Your Inner Nurturer

The challenge we have in practicing self-compassion is that we listen to our inner critic more than our inner nurturer. Dr. Hanson explains the two voices inside us - the inner nurturer  provides self-compassion and encouragement, while the inner critic lets you know when you’ve done something wrong. For most people the inner critic is “big and powerful, while the inner nurturer is small and ineffective, which wears down mood, self-worth, and resilience.” Dr. Hanson encourages us to be there for ourselves and to strengthen our inner nurturer, which in turn leads to increased confidence and resilience.

To practice strengthening our inner nurturer and tempering our inner critic, we have to be intentional. As with all behavior change, let’s begin with observing our behaviors. Notice what you say out loud or to yourself about yourself when you make a mistake. Do you laugh at yourself and chalk it up as a mistake or do you call yourself names or question how you could have done such a thing? Write down your actions as you notice them. And please be gentle with yourself. This list is only to inform you, not for you to berate yourself further. Once you begin to see how you treat yourself in these moments, you’ll be able to make changes, halting the inner critic that self-condemns and replace responses with ones that remind you that you are human.

Build Self-Kindness

In his Resilient Option course, Dr. Amit Sood, an expert on the topic of resilience, offers these suggestions to build self-kindness. (Note: Compassion and kindness are closely related but not exactly the same thing. Compassion aims to reduce suffering, while kindness is more general - being friendly, considerate, helpful, generous. I believe Dr. Sood’s suggestions will be helpful as you embark on the journey of being both kind and compassionate to yourself, and onward to increased confidence and resilience.)

• Look at yourself through the eyes of the person who loves you unconditionally.
  Please take time to explore this further for yourself. Who loves you unconditionally? That person knows who you are – an imperfect human who has faults and makes mistakes and loves you anyway! Take the lessons from your mistakes and leave any and all self-condemnation behind.
• Value yourself by your principles, not how much money you make.
  What are your principles? I confess I immediately began thinking of my values, and the two words are often used interchangeably. In general, your values are things that are important to you and may change over time; principles are how you put your values into action, how you live out your values. Take time to think about what’s important to you, what you admire in your role models, what makes your feel most happy, proud, and satisfied. What fills your bucket, gives you joy, gives you peace? Ground yourself in these principles, rather than in things that fluctuate – like income.
• Focus on your efforts and intentions.
  So much of life is out of our control, and yet, we all have the ability to behave kindly to ourselves and others. Tend to the things you can do regardless if they don’t go as planned. Are there lessons to be learned? Again, take the good, the lesson from the experience, and snuff out that critical inner judge.
• Spend time with people who make you feel worthy.
  It’s time to take inventory of who you’re spending time with. Notice how you feel after spending time with family members, friends, or coworkers. If any make you feel unworthy, minimize your time with them, if you can. Life’s too short to spend time with people who put you down. Give your time to those who appreciate you, build you up, and honestly want good things for you.

So, how did Joe and I practice self-compassion through his health journey? Well, I didn’t learn this concept until we were through his cancer journey and he was off treatment. (Read Our Story) But looking back, instances of self-compassion included a willingness to accept help and kindness from others. Accepting help doesn’t come easy to everyone, especially when needs persist. During this time, I was reminded what I was told when we became new parents, “Accept help; you can thank people later.” We accepted lots of help during the times of his cancer diagnosis and its spread. I also accepted help after my concussion. (Read My Final Straw Moment)

When I look back, I realize a big part of self-compassion on Joe’s part was his approach. When his cancer spread, he told me, “Every day, I’ll do what I can and then I’ll put this down.” He was referring to doing what he could concerning his treatment and recovery – scheduling appointments, calling our insurance company, getting his medications. He didn’t want cancer to take over every thought of every moment of every day. I admired this about him because I could easily spend time thinking about questions to ask at our next appointment and run through “what if” scenarios and questions; if this happens, what do we do? I spent countless hours with endless thoughts ruminating on rabbit trails. It was exhausting. It drained me of precious energy and kept my brain in stress mode. Today, for whatever you’re dealing with, commit to doing what you can and then put it down. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a rest. You’re worth it.

To learn more, be sure to check out Dr. Neff’s self-compassion practices and blogs.