Social Connections

Always better together. I believe that to be true, and I’ve said it often enough to my kids that when we saw those words on a teapot in Old Town Scottsdale, Arizona my daughter said, “Mom, you’ve got to get that.” Well, I did buy that teapot, and I enjoy using it when tea loving company comes to visit. The phrase “always better together” strikes me because I’ve seen its value. At work, I’ve seen teams come together and generate better ideas, better products. With my family, I enjoy our time together. Even running errands is much more fun with others along than running around by myself. While I absolutely savor my quiet time and time I spend in solitary pursuits such as writing, reading, walking, self-care, it’s the times I’m with others that I get excited, joy creeps in, and my mood lifts. And that’s really why I say we’re always better together, because for me, that’s exactly how I feel.

Close Relationships Are Good for You, Really Good for You

Apparently, I’m not the only one who feels this way. Are you aware of the findings from Harvard’s Adult Development Study? The study, which is the longest running longitudinal study in the U.S., began in 1938. So, there’s lots of data showing how close relationships are an important factor in health and longevity. In his popular 2015 TED Talk What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness, Dr. Robert Waldinger, the study’s current director, shares the top three findings from the decades long study.

• Social connections protect us; loneliness kills us.
• The quality of your relationships matter.
• Good relationships are good for your body and your brain!

The bottom line, and Dr. Waldinger’s recommendation, is that we should lean into our relationships with family members, friends, and within our community and to be proactive about strengthening these relationships.

Social Connections Make Everything Better

Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, an expert in social connections and health, goes further. Her research found that “lacking social connection is comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes per day”!! WHAT?? It’s downright shocking to learn this. In the public health world, promoting healthy lifestyles tends to start with these 3 messages: don’t smoke, eat healthy foods, and be active (rather than sedentary). There is something called the 3-4-50 Framework – that those 3 behaviors contribute to 4 health conditions that cause 50% of deaths, and prevention efforts focus heavily on making changes in those 3 areas. In recent years, we have also learned about the tremendous restorative and healing power of sleep and now, the protective power of social connectedness. Per Dr. Holt-Lunstad, “High levels of social connection are associated with better health, better well-being, and longer lives.” This may be a different way of thinking about your health, as it has been for me, and what I’ve learned makes me want to pause and reconsider when I’m feeling unsocial and am tempted to isolate myself. It’s important to note that when I speak of strengthening social connections, I’m referring to nurturing healthy and high-quality relationships. This is not meant as advice for relationships that are toxic, abusive, or violent.

Changing Social Connections

I’ve shared previously about the friendships Joe and I have made through our involvement with Challenged Athletes Foundation (CAF) and the YMCA. We wouldn’t have made any of those connections if Joe hadn’t had cancer, a fact he reminded me of recently. (Read Our Story) I hope nothing traumatic happens to you that leads you to new social connections. But if it has, I hope you lean into those new connections and resources and grow stronger, more resilient because of them. Even if there hasn’t been a significant life event that changes your social connections, I hope you will nurture and strengthen your social network. Remember, we’re always better together!!

Illness and Grief Can Keep You Away from Others

Even with all of the supports we have – loving family members, fabulous friends, community connections, sometimes it’s still hard to socialize. It’s easier to keep myself separate than it is expending limited energy on explaining things or answering questions. Sometimes, there’s no good answer to the question, “How are you?” It can be difficult to show up and smile. It can be difficult to show up at all! And the unpredictable nature of grief makes public outings risky. No one wants to break down in front of others. Here’s an example of a public breakdown after the loss of my mother. After my mom passed away, my sister and I went to the pharmacy where she got her prescriptions filled and informed the clerk that our mother wouldn’t need her prescriptions refilled anymore. Of course, the clerk asked some follow-up questions and we shared that our mom had passed away. The kind words and manner of this young woman brought my sister and I to tears. On our way out, we kept our heads low as we shuffled past people out and about doing regular errands, picking up prescriptions. Our worlds had changed dramatically, but life was going on for others, as it does.

Resilience Connection

Life has a way of pushing (or dragging) us forth, sometimes whether we’re ready to go forth or not! And so often I notice that when I do emerge, engage, and socialize I’m happier for it. This is really where I need to practice one of the secrets Dr. Lucy Hone shares in her 2019 TED Talk “Three Secrets of Resilient People”. Dr. Hone shares three strategies for you to practice when going through tough times. One of the practices is to ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing helping or harming me?” When I ask myself if choosing to stay in rather than going out is hurting me or helping me, the answer is – it depends! Sometimes I’m tired and the best thing I can do is stay in and rest. I need to check my motivation for staying in. Sometimes it’s clear that I’m choosing not to go to something because I want to avoid seeing and talking to others. Those times in particular, I have to pause, ask myself the question, and perhaps venture forth anyway, remembering that this is good for me, remembering Dr. Holt-Lunstad’s words, "We need to prioritize our social relationships like our life depends on it, because it does."

What’s Your 1 Thing?

Are you ready to take one step forward to strengthen a relationship and improve your health? Choose 1 thing you can do today – reach out to someone you’ve been meaning to connect with, make the call, send the text, or try a new activity, lean into meeting new friends, be intentional about getting to know an acquaintance better. Please share your 1 thing in the comments. You might inspire someone else! Prioritize doing 1 thing, maybe daily, maybe weekly, whatever fits your schedule best and watch your social connections grow and get stronger. I’m betting you’ll be glad you did. And don’t forget, we’re always better together!

Be well,
Christine